The Key to a Long, Happy Married Life is Conflict Avoidance

With age, people tend to avoid arguments with their spouses and this in turn leads to a longer, happier married life.

There are many studies that show that people tend to lose interest in marriage after a while. But, the fact remains that many people in the U.S stay married for long with the median duration for first marriage for American women being about 20.8 years (2009 data). So, there is surely something that is keeping the Seven Year Itch away for these couples.

According to a new study by Sarah Holley from San Francisco State University, conflict avoidance might be the key for a long-lasting marriage.

Researchers agree that avoiding conflicts early in the marriage might lead to long-lasting damage for the couple.  However, letting go of minor issues after a few years in a marriage can help keep peace at home.

In the study, researchers collected data from 127 middle-aged or older couple who were in a long-term marriage and followed them up for an average of 13 years. Researchers looked at the way couples communicated with each other, especially while dealing with contentious issues.

Study results showed that most marriages follow the demand-withdraw pattern where one person in the marriage starts blaming the other while the other person tries to avoid conflict. Researchers found that with time, this pattern stays the same, but both the partners start avoiding topics that might lead to an argument.

"This is in line with age-related shifts in socioemotional goals," Holley said in a news release, "wherein individuals tend toward less conflict and greater goal disengagement in later life stages." She explained that there are many other studies that show that people generally avoid arguments as they age, possibly because they want to have more positive experiences in their remaining time.

The demand-withdraw pattern doesn't just apply to "the nagging wife and silent husband" stereotype, but applies to different kinds of marriages such as lesbian or gay marriages also. Holly, in her previous study, had shown that in any marriage, the person who desires greater change will become demanding and the other will start withdrawing.

A related study had earlier said that strategies such as positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks help maintain and improve a marriage. 

The present study," Age-Related Changes in Demand-Withdraw Communication Behaviors," is published in the Journal of Marriage and Family.