Why Is Small Talk So Hard for Me?

Modern life does not lack opportunities to scrutinize and be scrutinized by others. We're a social species. We know this. It shows. But somehow, nothing evokes the fear of saying or doing something that makes you look stupid than going to a party or some type of networking event where you have to engage in small-talk with people you've just met. But still, we're a social species.

The problem with small talk is that it's conversational limbo. It's just pleasantry that precedes more natural forms of communication. You're talking about things that don't really matter because you're trying to find common ground. None of the participants are really that interested in the weather or current events, but they feel the need to say something with the sole purpose of generating face time with other members of our social species. Depending on how they feel during the conversation and a few other factors, they decide with whom they'd like to have more in-depth conversations.

You don't have social anxiety or be an introvert to feel a little awkward during small talk. Small talk is awkward because of its aimlessness. It does not communicate ideas. It's more of a ritual for social bonding. It gives the appearance of being easy because of its name and the insubstantial topics it revolves around, but it's actually a lot more difficult precisely because it's not about what's being said. It's all the other stuff. For some people, small talk is second nature, while for others, it can be almost unbearable.

Still, since small-talk is the gateway to meaningful social interaction, by avoiding it, you're essentially turning down opportunities to make friends, romantic partners, and even advance in your career. That's a lot to lose. Kind of makes you want to brush up on current events and finally watch that movie everyone keeps talking about. Not only that, but research shows that engaging in small talk more frequently, whether they enjoy it or not, tends to make people happier. Because, once again, we are a social species, and small talk is here to stay.

The Fatal Flaw

Few among us wouldn't get a bit nervous if they had to give a speech or a presentation. You're mostly afraid that you will embarrass yourself, and nobody likes that. We all want to be perceived as intelligent, competent, and confident. Feeling this way is not a disorder because we all have real or imagined shortcomings that make us feel insecure, so we'd prefer others not to know about them. But what if your anxiety is pervasive and disproportionate?

Social anxiety disorder or SAD is a mental health condition that revolves around the belief that you have some sort of "fatal flaw" that you need to hide from others, or they will reject you. Sometimes that fatal flaw is the anxiety itself.

SAD means much more than being a little shy since the fear is much more intense, leading to physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, dizziness, trembling, blushing, and stuttering. Understandably, someone who feels this range of physical symptoms, although they might be barely noticeable to others, will have trouble with small talk. Their mind goes blank, and the awkward silence that ensues only makes the anxiety worse. Furthermore, studies show that those with social anxiety symptoms are more likely to expect that social interactions will make them feel bad. And what do you do when you think that something will make you feel bad? You try to avoid it, of course. This can mean making up excuses to avoid office parties, weddings, or any social gatherings with more than a handful of people you know well, but it can also mean avoiding phone calls or using a public restroom.

The most effective treatment for social anxiety disorder involves combining medications such as SSRIs with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Anti-anxiety medications such as benzodiazepines relieve symptoms much faster, but they're not considered suitable long-term since there's a risk of addiction. People who are uncomfortable with SSRIs can also benefit from taking natural supplements. Still, you need to keep in mind that natural supplements can also cause side-effects, so it's best to discuss this option with your doctor.

CBT is an important part of the treatment because it helps people with social anxiety symptoms understand the process behind it. They learn how negative and distorted beliefs influence the way they evaluate themselves, the people around them, and their social interactions.

Self-Defeating Thought Patterns

When you're talking to people, do you have a running commentary in your mind in which you're constantly evaluating how you think the other person perceives you? This is a very common symptom of social anxiety, and so are automatic negative thoughts such as:

• I'm getting nervous, and they can tell.
• I'll say something stupid and embarrass myself.
• They look bored. It's because I'm boring.
• I'm too socially awkward, and it makes people uncomfortable.
• People don't like talking to me.

These thoughts and the self-monitoring can be very distracting and make it much harder to engage in the conversation and pick up on social cues. They also make you feel more anxious and insecure.

Cognitive restructuring is a central aspect of CBT that involves identifying these self-defeating thought patterns and replacing them with something more realistic and encouraging, such as:

• When I'm with people I know well and feel comfortable with, I do sometimes talk about ordinary things happening in our lives. This means that I'm capable of doing small talk as long as I relax and focus on my interlocutor.
• I may sometimes come across as socially awkward because I get nervous, but I can get more comfortable and improve my skills with enough practice.
• People may sometimes notice that I'm nervous, but that's not uncommon, so it's not likely that they will judge me for it. There's a much higher chance that they'll feel empathy since it will remind them of social situations when they felt nervous. If someone has a hostile reaction towards me, it's probably because they're irritable from something else going on in their lives.

Of course, sometimes you might have difficult social interactions. You might catch someone in a bad mood, and this can lead to an unpleasant conversation. That's why CBT therapists also help their clients learn how to cope with the negative emotions that stem from these interactions.

Instead of dwelling on what mistakes you might have made or what you could have done to avoid or rectify the situation, it's important to let yourself feel the negative emotions and realize that you are better able to tolerate them than you would have thought.